Sammyy's Blunders

Famous quotes by the one and only Sammyy Velooo ..


1. Sammyy Velooo quoted on Pos Laju:-
" BESOH KIRIM, HARI INI JUGA SAMPAI "
2. Semasa krisis air:
" Semua worang diminta jangan membuang aiyerr..!"
3. Semasa memberi ucapan di pelbagai function:
"Selamat datang saudara-mara semua"
(It should have been saudara-saudari)
4. Tentang masalah social:
"Worang2 muda sekarang banyak suka hisap dade.."
5. Semasa kempen derma darah di Sg.Siput:
"marilah kita semua menderma dare."
6. "Kita akan bina roket pigi matahari"...reporter responds..
"Tapi Dato, matahari terlalu panas untuk didekati".
Sammyy responds.."Itu tade masalah..kita hantar waktu malam".....

Lady's Finger And Sugar Level Control

Please note that another name for Lady's Finger (Bhindi ) is " OKRA ".
Take two pieces of Lady's Finger (Bhindi) and remove/cut both ends of each
piece. Also put a small cut in the middle and put these two pieces in a
glass of water. Cover the glass and keep it at room temperature over
night. Early next morning, before breakfast, simply remove the two pieces of Lady's
Finger (bhindi) from the glass and drink that water.
Keep doing it on daily basis. Within two weeks, you will see remarkable results in reduction of your SUGAR level.

Papayas

These wonderful fruits are praised by nutritionists for the high content in different kinds of vitamins, both hydrosoluble and liposoluble, such as vitamin A, C and E.
Papayas also contain several carotenoids, flavonoids, folates and trace minerals that react synergistically to provide DNA-protecting effects, which are directly linked to decreased risks of developing cancer and cardiovascular diseases.

Ebony And Ivory

Felony and Bribery, live together in perfect harmony
Side by side on my piano keyboard, oh lord, why don't we
We all know,that people are the same wherever we go
There is good and bad, in everyone
We learn to live, we learn to give
Each other what we need to survive, together alive.

Ah Beng's Theory On English Spelling

Aoccdrnig to Ah Beng's theroy on Enlgish, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.
I think all of us can understand what Ah Beng wrote above. So he must be right. So Ah Beng can be quite clever after all.

Single Or Married

Ah Beng was with his American and English friends at a bar in New York. The bartender asks, “What would you like sir ?”
The American replied "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE."
The Englishman replied : "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."
The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, "And what about you , Sir?"
Ah Beng replies: " Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."

Bitter Gourd

Health Benefits

Few other fruits/vegetables offer medicinal properties for these ailments like bitter melon does.

Blood disorders: Bitter gourd juice is highly beneficial for treating blood disorders like blood boils and itching due to toxemia. Mix 2 ounces of fresh bitter gourd juice with some lime juice. Sip it slowly on an empty stomach daily for between four and six months and see improvement in your condition.

Cholera: In early stages of cholera, take two teaspoonfuls juice of bitter gourd leaves, mix with two teaspoonfuls white onion juice and one teaspoonful lime juice. Sip this concoction daily till you get well.

Diabetes mellitus: Bitter melon contains a hypoglycemic compound
(a plant insulin) that is highly beneficial in lowering sugar levels in blood and urine. Bitter melon juice has been shown to significantly improve glucose tolerance without increasing blood insulin levels.

Energy: Regular consumption of bitter gourd juice has been proven to improve energy and stamina level. Even sleeping patterns have been shown to be improved/stabilized.

Eye problems: The high beta-carotene and other properties in bitter gourd makes it one of the finest vegetable-fruit that help alleviate eye problems and improving eyesight.

Hangover: Bitter melon juice may be beneficial in the treatment of a hangover for its alcohol intoxication properties. It also help cleanse and repair and nourish liver problems due to alcohol consumption.

Immune booster: This bitter juice can also help to build your immune system and increase your body's resistance against infection.

Piles: Mix three teaspoonfuls of juice from bitter melon leaves with a glassful of buttermilk. Take this every morning on empty stomach for about a month and see an improvement to your condition. To hasten the healing, use the paste of the roots of bitter melon plant and apply over the piles.

Psoriasis: Regular consumption of this bitter juice has also been known to improve psoriasis condition and other fungal infections like ring-worm and athletes feet.

Respiratory disorders: Take two ounces of fresh bitter melon juice and mix with a cup of honey diluted in water. Drink daily to improve asthma, bronchitis and pharyngitis.

Toxemia: Bitter gourd contains beneficial properties that cleanses the blood from toxins. Sip two teaspoonfuls of the juice daily to help cleanse the liver. Also helpful in ridding jaundice for the same reasons.

Curry Leaves

Watermelon And Furadan

We all love watermelons right? It is a must as dessert at weddings and birthdays, or at the 5-star hotel buffets. But do you realize that WATERMELON IS DANGEROUS?
This is because the watermelon planters put Furadan, a powerful insecticide (a poison), into the soil before planting the watermelon to kill and keep away insects, especially ants. Experts confirm that Furadan is active for one whole year (12 months), and is most powerful and effective during the first 90 days. The problem is this: The watermelons mature and are picked after 55 days, when the Furadan is still powerful, and a lot of it is INSIDE THE WATERMELONS! Meaning the watermelon is filled with poison!Furadan especially DAMAGES THE KIDNEYS the organs which have to filter pollution from the blood!
From now on I will stick to the bananas and papayas, for the sake of my poor kidneys, thank you!

April Fool

Church Signboard

9/11, If Ever Again

The So-Called Theory Of Evolution

Never Mess With Women

A Punjabi lawyer working in UK wrote to his wife in India...

Dear Sunita Darling,
I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has
affected my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, please adjust.


Your loving husband,
JITA SINGH



His wife replied...


TINKU KE PAPPA ,

Thanks for the 100 kisses, Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...:

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2. The electricity man agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.

3. Your landlord Balkar Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.

4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand..

5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance...
Shall I plan the same for the next month?

Your Sweet Heart,
Kichi


NEVER MESS WITH WOMEN

Cuts In Subsidies

Cuts In Subsidies = Corruption + Scandals + Inefficient governance

Fun Toilets

A Funny Exam Answer

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Bodoh Sombong

Chong : I took a H1N1 test and the results were negative.

Ali : Me too, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

The Difference Between Women And Men

Typical Chinese

A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.
The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5, 000.The Chinese replies:
"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely when I return ?"

Mr Paul's At It Again

Dumb Drivers

Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to the other one "Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid... you don't believe?
Let me show you." and he called his driver Ah Beng over and said "Ah Beng, here is a 10 dollar note, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes." to which Ah Beng replied, "Yes Sir! right away!" and rushed off to the showroom.
The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid." The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." and he called his driver, Ali. "Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home." to which Ali said, "Yes Sir, right away Sir." and ran home. "See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here."
Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to Ali, "Eh, you know my boss is sooo stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and ask me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes..... Doesn't he know that today is Sunday lah, the showroom is closed!"
Ali replied, "You think he is stupid ah? My boss lagi worse,he asked me to go home to check if he is at home.... He got hand phone what,can just call up to check lah!!!!"

One Costly Silly Mistake

Long time ago, a rich Singapore tycoon wanted to know how happy a man could be if he was given one wish.
He paid 3 people to test out his experiment:
The rules were:
1. Each person could only have 1 wish.
2. They will be left on a deserted island for 30 years.
3. Food, but not liquor would be provided.

The first contestant, Billy Klinton (USA) asked for the 30 prettiest PLAYBOY centrefolds: " So I can make the most beautiful babies in the world."

The second contestant, Jon Mayjor (UK) said, "I want 30 years' supply of booze."

The last contestant ,Ah Beng (Singapore) said," I want 30 years' supply of Saa-lim (Salem) cigarettes so I can smoke until I song-song"

30 years later, the 3 contestants came back for a press conference.

Billy had with him 200 chidren and 30 estranged women. He remarked, " It has been a long sexual experience for me and I was wondering whether anyone care to buy a child. I will even throw in the mother for free !"

Jon, hanging on to a bottle of beer, was suffering from a hangover but he managed to utter these words. " God save the Beer ! The Queen can drink sea water. "

The last contestant, Ah Beng, hugging onto cartons of Salem shouted, "Ni na beh! Buay kee gia lighter!!!" (@#$*! Forgot to bring lighter!)

Speed Matters

A Chinese, a Malay and an Indian were on a plane about to crash.
They have 4 seconds to jump out of the plane before it crashes.
They decided to count to three and jump out of the plane.
However, only the Chinese survived. Why?

Answer:

Chinese: yi , er , san (out of the plane in 3 seconds)

Malay: sa-tu , du-a , CRASH!!
Indian: on-ne , ren-ne , CRASH!!

In The End, Pay Also

One day, the Malaysian government suddenly asks the people to hand in RM10,000 and give them 3 days to pay up.

Day 1
Indian: Find money from relatives.
Malay: Do nothing.
Chinese: KNLBCCB, KNS @#%*(*&(#@%^(*&(@, stupid thing they come up. I am NOT going to pay it. I sue them only they know. (In his house.)

Day 2
Indian: Find money from friends.
Malay: Do nothing.
Chinese: KNLBCCB, KNS @#%&(*)(*#@%*&)(*)@#^#, stupid thing they come up. I am NOT going to pay it. I sue them only they know. (In kopitiam.)

Day 3
Indian: Queueing up at the department to pay up the money.
Malay: Do nothing.
Chinese: KNLBCCB, KNS @#%&(*)(*#@%*&)(*)@#^#, stupid thing they come up. (At the government department, queueing up to pay the money.)

Beverage For Thought

If you're addicted to work, you're a workaholic,

When addicted to alcohol, you're an alcoholic,

What if you're addicted to Horlicks?

Radio @#$% Up

One more radio @#$% up. DJ Yasmin Yusuff used to host this programme that asked callers to describe the common name for scientific terms that she dishes out. So one day this Chinese woman calls up and excitedly asks Yasmin to bring it on. So Yasmin said "Sodium Chloride" (which is commonly known as salt) or Natrium Klorida in BM. So poor aunty doesn't have a clue, she kept asking Yasmin for clues.
Yasmin: "It's something you commonly find in the kitchen"
Aunty: "Err, I still not sure la, can pleez give me one more clue ah?"
Yasmin: "Ok, one more and that's it. It's something you put on your husband's eggs in the morning"
Aunty: (Shouts) Ah! I think I know, I think I know! Is it...........TALCUM POWDER??"

Mind Boggling

Jaga Singh

There's this Jaga Singh who was working for a multi-millionare as a night guard at his house. One day, while the millionaire was driving out to catch an early morning flight to conclude a business deal, Jaga Singh ran out from the guard house and stopped the millionaire's car just right in front of the gate.
He said 'Sir..Sir.. are you going to board a plane?' 'Yes, why?' asked the millionaire. 'You had better cancel the trip. You see, last night I dreamt about the plane going to crash.'
Curious over the early morning fright that Jaga Singh had given, the
multimillionaire decided to cancel his trip. 'You better be damn right for this is a million dollar deal.'
The following day, there were news reports that the plane which the millionaire was supposed to take had indeed crash landed. ! 'Thank God I cancelled the trip,.' the rich man said. Realising that what Jaga Singh had said had come true, he called the Singh to see him.
When the guard was called that morning, the millionaire gave him his salary and FIRED him. WHY ?


Think first....

Use your brains,

Use your brains!!!!!

Still no idea??









Come on...... it is very easy....









Still drawing a blank????

Just imagine you are the Singh and you have saved your boss's
life........

OK-lah, since you do not want to 'use your brains' like Jaga Singh
before you talk to your boss..........

Just scroll down for the answer...












ANSWER

Jaga Singh was supposed to guard the house at night ...NOT to Sleep
and Dream all night!!!!!

So, GO BACK TO WORK!! and Don't try to save your boss's life!! It's not worth it !!!

Blonde Jokes

FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon ?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side ?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

DOGS
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that ?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs' !

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space !'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon !'
The Blonde said, 'So what ? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up !' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night !'

New Stock Market Terminology

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What current conditions have made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock. ( He hasn't got a prediction right yet, and says its the companies who are at fault.)
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use except by oil companies.

Stop Eating Dried Squid

Cadmium has no constructive purpose in the human body and is extremely toxic even in low concentrations.Has detrimental effects on the liver and kidneys.

Wedding Dance

A Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding, meet with their
Mullah for counseling.The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.Ahmed asks,"We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men,and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your
permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance
separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah Akbar! (GOD is great) Sex is OK
within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah Akbar. Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Allah Akbar!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!"
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle
of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and
a porno video?"
"You may indeed.. Allah Akbar!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah.
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing!"

Dispute Between Neighbours

Dispute Between Neighbours - this is a true story...

A town councillor in Wales, Mark Easton, had a beautiful view of the mountains, until a new neighbour purchased the land below his house and built a new home.
The new home was 18 inches higher than the planning dept had approved, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the local authority to make sure they enforced the roof line height.The new neighbour had to drop the roof height, at great expense.
Recently, Mark Easton called the planning dept, and informed them that his new neighbour had installed some vents on the side of his new property.
Mark didn't like the look of these vents and asked the planning dept to investigate.
When they went to Mark's home to see what the vents looked like, this is what they found...
The Local Authority said the vents can stay since there is no planning law referring to shutter design.