Six Golden Rules For F***ing

SIX GOLDEN RULES For F***ing: 1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but its harmful if done every day. 2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body. 3. F***ing refreshes you. 4. After F***ing dont eat too much; go for more liquids. 5. Try to do f***ing in bed cause it can save your valuable energy. 6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level. SO, REMEMBER ... FASTING is good for your health. May God cleanse your Dirty Mind !!!

Wife Fear

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

What Confucius Did Not Say

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY... Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly. Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts. Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted. War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left. It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it. Man who drives like hell is bound to get there. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ... A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!

Fantastic Card Trick

Skyfruit Benefits

In 1996, a renowned American biochemist and researcher Dr. Larry Brookes made a major discovery, that is he found abundant resources of Flavonoids and Saponins to be the active ingredients of SKYFRUIT.

Active Ingredients of SKYFRUIT:

1. Flavonoids
- Able to promote an efficient blood circulation and to interfere with the formation of atherosclerotic plaque.
- Lowers cholesterol levels and lowers fats build-up in the blood stream.
- Reduces the risk of coronary heart disease.
- Has an anti-inflammatory action that inhibits the body's natural enzymes from producing the chemical that triggers tissue inflammation.
- Ability in reducing pain, bleeding, bruising, and the fluid retention that result from tissue injuries.
- Acts as an antioxidant and as a free radical scavenger.

2. Saponins
- Enhances immune system and improves vitality.
- Reduces blood clotting and alleviates blood sugar.
- Enhances the functions of the heart and prolong blood clotting process.

In addition, SKYFRUIT contains various amino acids, minerals, vitamins, enzymes, carbohydrates, essential fatty acids and other essential nutrients in an easy to absorb form to maintain optimum health and vitality.

In recent years, SKYFRUIT based products have been widely accepted by medical specialists and doctors in Malaysia, Singapore and Indonesia. Its consumers' testimonials have made recognition of its core values to be one of the best health products among those available on the market today. Not only is SKYFRUIT totally pure and natural, its health benefits make it an excellent food supplement for the human body. There are no known side effects even with long term use.

May Assist to:
* Revitalize sex drive
* Rejuvenate sex life
* Increase energy, stamina and endurance
* Rebuild tissues
* Increase pregnancy rate by promoting healthy sperm production
* Beauty agent
* Strengthen cardio-vascular system

Bar Stool Economics

Bar Stool Economics

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20."

Drinks for the ten now cost just $80
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay! And so...

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, "but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!" The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics, University of Georgia

Puzzle : Try To Crack It.

Puzzle - try to crack it ...!!

Once there was a bus conductor, who was very rude to his passengers.
One day a beautiful young girl, tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop the bus.
Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot. Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court.
The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment.
He was taken to the electrocution chamber. The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. But to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.

After a few months, this time, a middle aged woman tried to board the bus but the conductor didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately, this time also, the woman came under the bus and died on the spot.
Again angry passengers took him to the police station, who in turn took him to the court. The judge took one look at the conductor and gave him capital punishment. The Bus conductor was taken to the same electrocution chamber. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. This time also to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.

A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus. This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experiences, stopped the bus. Unfortunately the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his injuries. The conductor was taken to the court, to the same judge. Though he hadn't done anything wrong, but considering his past record the judge gave him capital punishment.
The Bus conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him.
This time he died instantly !!!

The question is why didn't he die on the first two occasions, but died instantly the third time??

Try to solve it yourselves. This is rather interesting and the answer is perfectly logical. If necessary read the puzzle once again.
Clue:It has something to do with electricity.If you are science student,you should be able to solve the puzzle with ease.

Ok........ there is the Answer...... ......
I'm gonna get beaten up for this...!



During the first two times, the conductor was a Bad Conductor, therefore electricity didn't pass through him. But during the third time, he was a good conductor, so electricity passed through him freely and he died !!

Isn't the answer scientific ?....perhaps you have forgotten about basic Physics studied during your school days !

The Blonde and The Circle

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over.
He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
Now he's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

What Happens In Heaven When we Pray?

I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, "This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are received."
I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world.
Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section.
The angel then said to me, "This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them."
I noticed again how busy it was there There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth.
Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section," my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.
"How is it that there is no work going on here?" I asked.
"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments."
"How does one acknowledge God's blessings?" I asked.
"Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord."
"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.
"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead, and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy."
"And if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity."
"If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day."
"If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 700 million people in the world."
"If you can attend a church without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death, you are envied by and more blessed than three billion people in the world."
"If your parents are still alive and still married, you are very rare."
"If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm. You're unique to all those in doubt and despair."
"Okay What now? How can I start?'

If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special, and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all.

Have a good day. Count your blessings.

Don't Copy If You Can't Paste

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. He Said : "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"
Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
The wife went; "ah!" with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "....and I can't remember who she was!"

By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water

Moral of the story : Don't copy if you can't paste! IT MIGHT BACKFIRE ON YOU

Time To Call It A Day.....

When this happens.......retire with dignity.

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man turns on the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the
New 2009 models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: '$90,000'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last
year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000'
MAN: 'Well, go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They
will probably take it.. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at
him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

Furadan And Watermelons

The commercial vegetable market has low tolerances for insect and mite damage on edible foods. Such damage can reduce the yield and quality of produce. Sometimes a crop is rejected at market because of even small amounts of damage, cosmetic blemishes or the presence of insect parts. Another reason to control insect pests is that some of them are vectors of plant diseases, particularly viruses.
To meet stringent market requirements for vegetables, it is sometimes necessary to control insects before the crop is actually damaged. Therefore, pests must be detected early, as they enter a field. Vegetable crops should be inspected for insect pests two or three times per week to determine when to begin insecticide treatment and to properly time subsequent applications. Insecticide applications made too early may not provide the protection needed, while those made too late will not prevent crop damage. When pest problems are predictable because they occur every year, applying systemic insecticides, or spraying at susceptible crop stages, may be justified as a preventive measure.
Carbofuran is one of the most toxic carbamate pesticides. It is marketed under the trade names Furadan. It is used to control insects in a wide variety of field crops, including potatoes, corn, soybeans and watermelons.
The technical or chemical name of carbofuran is 2,3-dihydro-2,2-dimethyl-7-benzofuranyl methylcarbamate. It is a systemic insecticide, which means that the plant absorbs it through the roots, and from here the plant distributes it to all parts of the plants, including the leaves, stems, branches, flowers, fruits, etc.
Furadan is widely used by farmers.If you choose a good looking, fresh watermelon in the market, chances are you are buying a furadan-infested watermelon. It looks good, it tastes good and you will not be killed immediately.You still have time to enjoy the fresh and juicy fruits for 2-3 years and by then most parts of your living system, your kidneys, liver , intestines and others begin to malfunction.
There are other fruits to consume,so by your own choice you should stay clear of watermelons as far as you possibly can.
The next time, take a good look at the watermelon.....tell yourself.....LOOKS CAN BE DECEIVING!!!!!

One Liners

Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:
Guitar, for sale........ Cheap....... . .......no strings attached.

Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!

On a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives.

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...I Gave Up Reading

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses....
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

Sign In A Bar:
'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.'

Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way....

Behind Every Great Man,
There Is A Surprised Woman.

The Reason Men Lie Is Because
Women Ask too Many Questions..

Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You sleep Alone

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit :
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business..

Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager

Stupidity Is Not A Disability

How can Ah Beng strangle his ownself and then jump out of the window ?
The person who said so should stare at the signboard and then jump out
of the window.

Disgusting Cook

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting, you should see him make donuts."

Inspiring One-Liners

1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry! Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!
2. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
Think about it.
3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!
4. Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules the world! That's called Attitude! Keep on rocking!
5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!
6. He was a good man. He never smoked, never drank, had no affair. When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.
They said, he who never lived, cannot die!
8. So many options for suicide: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we choose Marriage, slow sure!
9. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rests have girlfriends!
10. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!
11. Drinking is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru . We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi
Now, whom to follow and which one to choose?
12. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving. Which means - it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!!

When The Opportunity Is There......